" . . . . and now, cloned livestock . . . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1:
I didn't see the first two segments of tonight's show. I was running back and forth from my office to the theater and back to my office in a desperate search for something that was needed for the show, all the while thinking to myself, "We don't need it for the show." And then finally moments before it was thought to be needed and then decided that it wasn't needed, I found what I was looking for. No need to go to the gym today, I already got my work out.

GREAT MOMENTS IN PRESIDENTIAL SPEECHES

ACT 2:
From various sources:
Dave recaps Wednesday's last minute McCain cancellation. Dave holds the Senator from Arizona in the highest regard, a true American hero and role model. McCain phoned Dave personally Wednesday afternoon to inform him that he couldn't make the show; the reason being the "economy is about to crater." Terrible news about the economy and the cancellation, but Dave is delighted at the new expression he's learned . . . . "about to crater." He samples the phrase in some "everyday" conversation; "My marriage is about to crater."
But when the Senator told Dave he had to rush back to DC to help save the economy, Dave, the faithful and loyal citizen, appreciated the gravity of the situation and told Senator McCain to do whatever was necessary to save the country. Dave admits to being a bit trembly when considering the future of America.
Dave knew he still had a show to put on, and he knew the Senator was needed in Washington DC immediately. But Dave soon discovered that the Senator wasn't flying back to D.C. immediately. At the very moment the senior Senator from Arizona was to be discussing the fate of America with Dave, but cancelled to get back to Washington, McCain was seen sitting down for a chat with Katie Couric 4 blocks away. We saw it LIVE in the Control Room and we had to then tell Dave the news. Yes, Dave was disappointed, and I imagine . . . . I IMAGINE because I don't know . . . . I imagine Dave was hurt by the snub. OK, so McCain felt the need to spend time with Katie rather than Dave. OK. Dave eventually was able to . . . . or battled . . . . to come to terms with this. Dave figured that McCain stopped by to chat with Katie Couric before continuing on his way to the airport to get to Washington DC where he was needed immediately. Well, that's not quite how it went.
The next morning . . . Thursday morning . . . .. 18 hours after Dave received the phone call from Senator McCain that he was needed immediately in Washington DC . . . . . we learned that McCain was still in town. Huh? What the . . . . Dave understood the need for McCain to be in Washington DC . . . because that's what the Senator told him. Dave was on board for whatever was needed . . . and then Dave learns that he was just fed a line. McCain broke their date and lied about why. Dave admits to feeling like an ugly date. Dave felt used, sullied . . . . . . Dave felt cratered.
Wednesday night, Dave thought he was doing his part to help. Thursday night, he's steamed.

It's time for a brand new segment: "LARRY KING NICE DRESSER." We see Larry interviewing President Bill Clinton. Larry made sure to look his best for the former Commander in Chief. Larry was dressed in a black shirt, loud tie, and lime green suspenders. I think Larry needs to get married again so there's someone to lay out his clothes each morning.

And be sure to check out the new "Late Show Fun Facts" book, available now in stores everywhere. But hurry, it's selling faster than the Wii Fit.

TOP TEN: Surprising Facts About Sarah Palin - and to present tonight's top ten list, 10 residents of Wasilla, Alaska. We turn on the CBS Satellite to find 10 of Wasilla's finest standing by Lake Lucille.
Some known facts about Ms. Palin:
1992-1996: City Council member of Wasilla, Alaska.
1996-2002: Mayor of Wasilla.
November 2006: Elected Governor of Alaska

And now, just so their names will forever be found somewhere in the web internets computer web dot Google com world of computers, here is the list of those fine people from Wasilla who participated.

10. Interior Designer Mae-Lynn Pauling
9. Grasshopper Aviation Pilot, Dave Glenn
8. General Manager of a Mexican Restaurant, Jerry Ochoa
7. Banker and Race Car Driver, Erika Bills
6. Private Music Teacher, Ana Hartman
5. Virtual Golf-Shooting Range Owner, Calvin Culverhill
4. Flight Paramedic, Steven Heyano
3. Dental Hygenist, Kathy McCone
2. Deputy Mayor and Chiropractor, Kris Larson
1. From the Wasilla Chamber of Commerce, Lyn Carden

ACT 3:
PARIS HILTON: She's got a new show on the MTV, "Paris Hilton's My New BFF." It premieres this Tuesday, September 30th at 10:00 PM.
How the game is played: 18 kids move into her house. The possible new BFFs compete in challenges and contests and dares. One contest, I think I heard right, involves riding around atop a male model playing polo. Dave says the obvious, "And this is why the rest of the world hates us."
I was kind of popular in high school, but I don't remember making friends this way. It usually involved sharing snacks . . . but then, that was back in the '70s. You practically need an abacus to figure out how long ago that was.
But really, Nicole's best friend is Nicole Richie. Dave points out the two of them have a lot things in common, " . . . and who would have thought jail would be one of them." Paris has been dating the same guy for 7 months now, and we get a shot of the guy in the green room. We later see him put up two fingers, sort of like a sideways peace sign, palm in. It's some kind of signal. My girls always do the same when posing for a photo. Paris's boyfriend and my girls must be in the same gang.
Does Paris still go clubbing? She says she doesn't much anymore. Dave brings up that guy Spencer from "The Hills" who gets appearance fees for showing up at clubs and parties. He claims to make up to $100,000 an appearance. I'm sorry, I meant to say that's the lowest he'd go for an appearance. Does Paris make that? Do all young celebs get paid for going to parties? I laughed out loud when Paris said over the chatter, "I don't know other people's rate." Yeesh. Something must be wrong with me. If I knew a celeb was in crowded bar #1, I'd be sure to be at bar #2 across the street. And the only appearance fee I expect at a bar is a buy-back every once in a while. I love that double-knock on the bar.

ACT 4:
It's time once again for "Alan Kalter's Celebrity Interview."
ALAN: "Make out the check for a hundred bucks, Dave."
DAVE: "Excuse me?"
ALAN: "The check. Make it out for a hundred bucks."
DAVE: "I'm sorry, Alan, I don't understand."
ALAN: "Well, I figured you should pay my since you just nailed my like a left-handed whore."
DAVE: "Alan, I don't know what you're talking about."
ALAN: (mocking) "I don't know what you're talking about, Alan. Oh, bite my ass, suck-rod. You knew how hard I worked to book this week's guest for 'Alan Kalter's Celebrity Interview.' Here, let me introduce her; the lovely Ms. Paris Hilton."

(camera widens to reveal Paris Hilton sitting next to Alan)

ALAN: "By the way, Dave, make sure to return Paris' lip gloss when you're done."
DAVE: "Alan, why would I borrow Paris' lip gloss?"
ALAN: "I just assumed your lips must be chapped from kissing her ass for the past fifteen minutes. 'Ohhh, Paris, can we be BFF?' 'Oh, Paris, can I be your Facebook friend?' Someone get a mop because I'm about to throw up."
DAVE: "Alan, that's not exactly what happened."
ALAN: "That is exactly what happened! You got a pencil?"
DAVE: "Right here."
ALAN: "Then mark this down, asshole. You gank my 'djoy' again, so help me I'll shove my fist so far down your 'givl'ing throat it'll come out your bony ass, you monkey-faced prick. And by the way . . . (turns to Paris Hilton) . . . . those shoes are so five minutes ago, bitch!"
Alan exits.
Paris, not amused but game, says Alan does not know fashion.

ACT 5:
Announce: "Tomorrow on the Late Show, Lance Armstrong, Kristen Wiig, and musical guest TV on the Radio performs a song on our fire escape from their new CD, 'Dear Science.'
The Late Show, home of the world's biggest ball of aluminum foil!
We'll be right back."

ACT 6:
USAIN BOLT
The World's Fastest Man - from Jamaica, Usain Bolt won 3 Gold Medals at the Beijing Olympics winning in world record time, the 100 meters, the 200 meters, and the 4X100 meter relays. What you immediately notice about Usain is how tall he is. You usually don't see a sprinter quite that tall. Usain stands at 6 feet, 5 inches. The common thought is that a guy that size would have a hard time getting out of the blocks and attaining full speed fast enough to win in the 100 meters. Some of that is true because you can see him close to the others for the first half the race but then pull far ahead during the last 50 meters. And in the clip we see, Usain begins to celebrate before he crosses the finish line. Even though he set a world record, that bit of celebration slowed him down. Why celebrate before the finish? Usain says he knew he was going to win and he wanted to slow down just enough so it would be easier to get to that mark again. Hmmm, I wouldn't be surprised. I've heard of prize money being offered to track and field athletes if they break a world record during a non-Olympic meet.
We then see a clip of his 200 meter win. Dave asks what he was thinking down the home stretch. Usain says he knew he had the race won and his only concern was "not to crater." HEY-OHHH! Good call back, Usain!
Is it true Usain was seen eating Chicken McNuggets moments before one of his Olympic wins? Usain says it was true. He wanted to be sure he had the energy and nourishment for the race, and admits to not being sure what was in some of the food he was eating in China. "I know what's in a nugget," he says assuredly. (He may be the only one.)
Usain Bolt - the world's fastest man . . . . the fastest by a lot.

ACT 7:
MORNINGWOOD: Their new digital E.P. is entitled "Sugarbaby." You can find it on the iTunes.

And that was our show for Thursday, September 25, 2008.



I wonder what our numbers were in Wasilla.

You know, I think $700 billion would fix most of my problems, too

Today was one of those days where every time I turned a corner someone was coming at me the other way. I was constantly bumping into people. I could never get into the flow of the day. Very frustrating. If I only I had come to work 5 seconds earlier none of this would have happened.

I read an article in The Washington Post last week by Preston Williams about a mushy, melodramatic, hokey, cornballish, tear-jerking song from 1975. It made it to #2 on the Country charts and #18 on the Pop charts and was nominated for a Country Music Association Song of the Year award, but it can also be found on many "Most Annoying Songs" lists and "Worst Songs of All Time" lists. It didn't strike a familiar cord with me, so I checked it out on YouTube. See if it doesn't make you tear just a bit, and if you do you'll be mad at yourself for being taken in so easily I had to laugh at my sentimental weakness, even though I knew what was coming. Song: "The Blind Man In The Bleachers," also known as "Last Game of the Season." Check it out on the YouTube. You'll get mad at yourself and laugh at yourself at the same time for feeling yourself grow weepy.

There are over a million homes in foreclosure. Your tax dollar will help the government alleviate those bad loans. You, me, we will cover the loans. On the bright side, did you ever think you would have part-ownership of one million houses?

Many Yankee fans of my generation, and probably most baseball fans of my generation, remember the first time they ever went to a major league baseball game. What they remember most is entering the stadium and looking through the tunnel leading to their seats and seeing the bright green grass of the outfield, the greenest green any of us had ever seen. And then just last night I realized why people my age were so awed . . . . . it was the first time we ever saw Yankee Stadium in color. We grew up with baseball on black and white TV. We had never seen the green green grass of the Stadium. Ask any 10 balding and graying people what they remember about their first baseball game and 9 will say the greenness.

And now once again, "Late Night the Day They Were Born."
Usain Bolt was born August 21, 1986. So, what happened on Late Night the day Usain Bolt was born?
August 21, 1986: Late Night show #755 - David Steinberg; Cyndi Lauper sings "True Colors," and translates a joke into Spanish; Viewer Mail (Dave with Celebrity Autobiographies); Top Ten Things I Must Remember to Do During the Show; and "We Must Remember The USFL" videotape tribute.

And that's what happened on Late Night the day Usain Bolt was born.
Much thanks to Donz Johnson for the above.

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
From the alt.fan.letterman newsgroup, it's Brady!
This concludes another episode of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER

Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com