Dave spent some of his weekend watching the Masters golf tournament on the TV. The Masters people take their tournament very seriously. The tournament does not have “fans,” it has “patrons. The rough? There is no rough. But there is something they call “second cut.” (Dave mistakenly referred to it as “second growth” and corrected himself later in the show.) The green grass? It’s painted. It is so green, it looks like Tahiti. The sand is snow white.
CBS has been covering the event for the past 51 years, renewing their one-year contract each and every year. Since the Masters places themselves on such a high pedestal and CBS feels incredibly privileged to carry the event, Dave feels it is his mission every year to try to “piss off the Masters” to see if he can get them to call CBS and complain about “their guy” misbehaving. Patrons? No, the Masters don’t have patrons. They have drunken louts.

And today starts something new: From now on, Dave will start saying “Buenos Noches, Amigos” more often. It’s his attempt to make the Late Show a global venture. For those of you not from New York or California, it means “Good Night, Friends.”

Dave has a lot to talk about tonight. Steroids in baseball? Sure. And Dave has dabbled in the growth hormone himself in the past. We see a before and after split-screen photo of Dave pre and post-steroids. Why did he take steroids those years ago? Simple. He wanted to “get big and chase chicks.” Unfortunately from what I’ve heard, if you take too many steroids you may chase chicks and catch chicks, but once you get one, your equipment may not function as well as you would like. And I think that’s what causes ‘roid rage.

And speaking of the Masters, here tonight, your 2006 Masters champion, Phil Mickelson. Our fat Lance Armstrong rides out on stage on his bicycle while wearing the green jacket of the Masters. Across the stage and out through the back of the theater. Dave judges it correctly: it was barely a joke and made absolutely no sense.

Did you see The West Wing last night? They had their big presidential election. Paul read about it and says the “saddest” candidate won. Dave was unsure what Paul had said, asking him to spell the word. Paul says again, “saddest, the opposite of happy.” Dave thinks that is an odd platform to run on. Our researcher called down to the shack to inform us that the New York Times ran a story about the night’s West Wing, referring to the winner as the saddest of the two candidates. Paul was just quoting the New York Times.

TRUE TALES OF NEW YORK CITY ACCOUNTANTS – It’s Tax Time and so we bring back a very popular segment, True Tales of New York City Accountants. We see an accountant working over a tax form. He narrates.
“For me, a lot of the satisfaction of the job comes from those sudden moments of insight. For instance, I was working on Maggie McDougal’s tax return when I thought of a deduction that could get her an extra $3,500.” (he then crumbles the piece of paper and throws it into the waste basket) “But I decided to ignore it because she’s a bitch.”

GREAT MOMENTS IN PRESIDENTIAL SPEECHES. We did this last week, showing a clip of FDR’s “only thing to fear is fear itself” and Reagan’s “Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall.” We then followed that with a recent speech mangled by George W. Bush. Tonight we see JFK’s, “. . . ask what you can do for your country” and Clinton’s “. . . fixed by what’s right with America.” We then see Bush at a press conference stumble and mumble and bumble through a sentence.

MORE WITH LES: Dave picks up the phone and on the other end is the President and CEO of the CBS Corporation. Dave likes to touch base with our leader every now and then to get a sense of what’s happening at the Tiffany Network. Dave gets right into the CBS coverage of the Masters. Dave asks if he took a crowd of people from one gold tournament and a crowd of people from the Masters, would Les be able to tell them apart? Les says he could; “the fans from the Masters are patrons and they are better dressed.”
Before Dave can continue, Les points out something Dave said earlier in the show and crows that when Dave came to CBS, we went from last place to first place. Dave grins a proud grin, but realized Les is only softening him up and killing him with kindness.

(The first time I ever heard the term “kill him with kindness” was back when I was 11 years playing Pop Warner football. Our coach taught us to pick up the yellow penalty flag and hand it to the ref after he calls a penalty and walks off the yardage. He thought this act of kindness might pay off later in the game. And who was this football coach? It was the former LSU assistant coach who convinced Johnny Unitas to attend the school, Frank Gitscher. But more on that on another day.)

Dave asks about Katie Couric. Les is very happy and excited with Katie’s coming over to our team, then quickly mentions Dave’s upcoming birthday. Dave, like most men, is more than happy to talk about his birthday rather than talk about business. It was a very nice deflection by Les, who was probably expecting some snarkiness from Dave.
Dave goes back to the Masters and questions the piped-in bird sound effects so commonly heard on the CBS broadcast. Les denies that is done (anymore). Dave has proof. We see Fred Couples lining up a putt. We can hear birds chirp, and then more birds chirp, and more and more, and louder and louder. By the time Couples took his putt, it sounded like a Tarzan movie. Les admonishes Dave for his making fun of the Masters and warns that Dave is going to get him and CBS in trouble. And that was “More with Les.” For being on “More with Les,” Les will receive a $75 gift certificate to Meineke Car Care Center. Right service. Right price.

TOP TEN: Signs Things Are Nuts at the New York Post – The New York Post gossip columnist and Page Six contributor is being investigated by the FBI for trying to extort $100,000 from California billionaire.
#7. Film critic gave “Basic Instinct 2” four stars.

BILLY CRYSTAL: He’s just completed the tour on-the-road of his “700 Sundays” one-man play. And he has a new children’s book coming out on Tuesday, “Grandpa’s Little One.” Billy is a grandpa to two little girls.
Billy talks about Katie coming to CBS; Andy Rooney’s reaction; taxes; Barry Bonds and steroids; President Clinton; and house problems with termites and a sinkhole. But what Billy really wanted to do was play some baseball with Dave and Johnny Damon outside.

JOHNNY DAMON: I missed this. Why? Because I was out on 53rd Street getting ready for the baseball game. Dave would be pitching. Johnny and Billy would be hitting. And I would be catching. Earlier in the day I was asked to be the standby catcher if Plan A didn’t work out. When I heard Plan A was having Billy Crystal catch, I knew immediately we would resort to Plan B. Anybody who has the choice of swinging or catching will always take swinging. I knew Billy would want to hit. I have a history of catching, having done it 37 years ago for the New City Astros Little League team. During the day the wardrobe went out to get the catching equipment. Nothing but the best for me. They got the top of the line major league catching equipment, not at all like I remember from the last century. My only fear was they were going to get a new catcher’s mitt, too. And they did. During rehearsal I tried catching a softly thrown hardball with the mitt. Trying to catch a ball with a brand new catcher’s mitt is like trying to catch a ball with a clip board. You can’t squeeze it. The mitt was too stiff and the ball kept popping out. Seconds before Johnny, Billy, and Dave came out I tried the catcher’s mitt again. No good. I couldn’t use it. I would look like a fool if I used the new catcher’s mitt. Instead, I found an old, ratty baseball mitt in the Late Show softball bag. I used that instead. Across the back of the glove written in red pen was “Erica”. I used Erica’s glove.

The three come out to play. I am behind the plate. Dave takes the mound; Johnny grabs a bat. Dave’s first throw comes up short. I block it but don’t catch it. Dave had a bucket of balls right beside him so it wasn’t imperative for me to throw the pitched ball back. Any ball I did not throw back I dropped behind me. My main concern was not to have a ball rolling around Johnny Damon’s feet when he was swinging. Heaven forbid he should step on a ball and twist an ankle. The other thing I was watching for was if Dave had extra baseballs in his mitt when pitching. If he had an extra ball in the mitt, then I wouldn’t throw back the pitched ball. If he did not have a ball in the mitt, I would toss the pitch back. You don’t want any down time in something like this. You want to always be moving forward. You don’t want Dave to waste time searching for the next baseball. My job was to get it back to him as quickly as possible and the throw should be chest high. My arm felt good. I caught most of the ones I should. What I didn’t take into consideration was my legs. Back in the day, I could sit in a catcher’s squat all day long. It was the most comfortable position, so relaxing. Last night on 53rd my legs quickly lost any zip and spring they had. My breathing became heavy. My legs tired. I needed a third leg for balance. I was tempted to cheat and assume the one-knee-in-the-ground catching position but I knew that would be very unprofessional and would make me look like an old man playing beer-league softball. I struggled the rest of the way. Dave then saw Yankee manager Joe Torre standing by the Hello Deli and invited him over to throw a few. Johnny looked surprised to see his manager on the scene. Now that Joe Torre was here, Johnny decided to take some swings right-handed instead of his usual left-handed. He didn’t want to mess up his natural swing against a lobber. Johnny took some swings, as did Billy. I tried not to blink when the batter swung.

Note on Billy: He played minor league ball after a semester of college. Or maybe he played some college ball. I forget. I do know he played organized baseball after high school and is a friend of the game. He knows his way around the diamond.

And that was our show for Monday, April 10, 2006. Wahoo EXTRA!

Great news. Former LATE SHOW staffer Jill Leiderman, one of my favorites to ever pass through these doors, has just been named the Executive Producer for Jimmy Kimmel Live. A finer worker and finer person would be hard to find. Congratulations to Jill, and congratulations to the Kimmel show for the decision. Jimmy Kimmel Live – Tivo it!

The new anchorperson for the CBS Evening News will be Katie Couric. I hear the new slogan is: “CBS Evening News: Hope You Like Candy!”

Other considerations:
CBS EVENING NEWS: It’s not the news, it’s infotainment!
CBS EVENING NEWS: Now cuter than ever!
CBS EVENING NEWS: The war in Iraq, now served with perk.

Hey, maybe it’ll all work out. It’s all about the numbers and Katie is likely to bring in numbers.

Last Thursday Oprah promo: We see Kirstie Alley saying to Oprah, “I’ve never said how much I weighed before but I’m going to say how much I weigh today . . .” An “Oprah” graphic comes on and the announcer says, “Today on Oprah.”
What is wrong with us if that works as a promo? Kirstie is going to tell us how much she weighs?! Ooooh, pinch me!

How did you like Major League Baseball’s Opening Day? Years ago, the Cincinnati Reds would open the season, an honor bestowed upon them for being the very first professional baseball team. It would be a day game, mid-week, and it would be celebrated as if it were a holiday by baseball fans across the country. But then baseball allowed TV to get involved and screw up everything. This year’s opening day was a Sunday night on cable TV, the Cleveland Indians vs. the Chicago White Sox. It was to start at 8:00 PM EST but due to a rain delay, it began three hours later. At 1:00 AM on a Sunday night/Monday morning in Chicago, 2:00 AM in New York, Opening “Day” was still being played. That was Opening Day 2006. Ahhh, baseball . . . . . it’s run by idiots.

And then on Monday, April 3rd here in New York, Yankee fans got to celebrate their opening day . . . in Oakland where the first pitch was scheduled for after 10:00 PM. My girls, at the very impressionable age of 10, had to miss it. In fact, the first 5 games the Yankees played this year started AFTER 10:00 PM. Ahhhh, baseball . . . it’s run by idiots.

Is it too much to ask that each team’s opening day be a day game? Yeah, it probably is too much to ask. OK, I’ll compromise. East coast teams should open the season on the east coast, so if opening “day” is a night game, at least it’ll start at a time so kids can watch some of the game.

Lee Cain of Sarasota, Florida wrote:

“A friend sent this to me & I immediately thought of MIKE! He loves this kind of crap!
On Wednesday of this week (last week, April 6th), at two minutes and three seconds after 1:00 in the morning, the time and date will be 01:02:03 04/05/06.”

Of course, they are both wrong. It’ll happen again in 100 years on April 5, 2106.

I then went to the USA Today on the internet. The USA online article read:

(April 4th) “But be advised that some people might not fully appreciate Consecutive Numbers Day. We have less than 24 hours to persuade them. Or maybe a little longer if you want to include 01:02:03 p.m. Either that or wait until 01:02:03 a.m. on April 5, 3006.
Actually, others have noted that we wouldn't have to wait nearly that long. There's always April 5, 2106.”

And how about this: On the morning of June 6th at 6 minutes and 6 seconds after 6:00, it’ll be 06:06:06 06/06/06.

I know it’s a bit dated, but here is the story behind the George Mason fight song. Going into the Final Four, I as able to find the fight songs for Florida, UCLA, and LSU. I was not able to find the fight song for George Mason.
From the WTOP 103.5 website, March 31st:

Administrators Scramble to Compose Lyrics For GMU Fight Song INDIANAPOLIS -- When George Mason University Band Director Anthony Maiello composed the school's Fight Song a few years ago, he never got down to writing lyrics. Instead he just used ‘Fight -- Fight – Fight’ for each note.
But after the basketball team advanced to the Final Four of the men's championship tournament, the NCAA called asking for the words.
That sent several administrators scrambling this week to come up with real words to accompany the music. Associate Athletic Director Sue Collins wound up borrowing the opening lyrics from the Washington Redskins and also included a phrase from nearby Fairfax High School's fight song.
The lyrics are as follows:
“Hail to George Mason Patriot green and gold We are George Mason, home of the brave and bold Hail to George Mason Proud for all to see Catch our spirit feel our pride Onward to victory.”