Monologue joke: “Last night’s audience was rough. It was so quiet I here, I thought Katie Holmes was giving birth.” I liked that one.

We got siren fun tonight. Not only does Dave have the siren he’s had for the past week and Paul has his, but joining the siren team is Tony, Rupert, and Alan. Dave has the team activate their hand-crank sirens in unison. Twice during the siren demonstration, Dave had a bit of a mishap. Once, the handle of the siren got stuck in his ear. Another time the siren handle clocked him under the chin. I will enter these two instances under “Odd Goofy Dave” in my data base for future reference. Someday in the future, I will get a call: “Mike, I need a shot of Dave looking really goofy.” I’ll type in “goofy” and my note of these two images will come up, along with many others.

Sitting in with the band tonight, from ZZ Top, it’s Billy Gibbons. If you are unfamiliar with Billy Gibbons, he’s the ZZ Top member with the beard.

It’s Tuesday, a beautiful spring day, and baseball is just getting started. What better day than today to play LATE SHOW Home Run Derby! Rupert runs outside to get some contestant to play on the roof of the Ed Sullivan Theater. While he is doing that, we have a show to put on.

Are you people familiar with computers? Dave has read on the internet rumors about the death of Michael Jackson. Rumor, or not? Thankfully it was just a rumor, and to put his fans at ease, Michael Jackson put out this announcement.

“Last week, a number of websites ran an unfounded rumor that Michael Jackson had died. But the King of Pop would like to reassure his fans that he is alive and well, and while it’s true he did spend some time in the hospital last week, it was simply for some minor plastic surgery. . . . so he could perfect his new look.”
(we see a present-day photo of Michael Jackson, and in slides his new look – Kenny Rogers)
“Jacko: Completely bat-‘djoy’ crazy.”

I found it odd that Michael would finish his own announcement with “Jacko: Completely bat-‘djoy’ crazy.” Odd man, that Michael.

President Bush has been under some pressure to do something to his Administration . . . anything . . . to shake things up and change the direction of his sinking approval rating. He came out with this exciting announcement.

“Faced with embarrassingly low poll numbers, President Bush has taken extreme measures to reverse this trend. In a mind-blowing, earth shattering move, he has named as his new Budget Director, Rob Portman!”
(Loud, basketball rock and roll music blares)
“That’s right! With the one-time member of the House Ways and Means Subcommittee on Trade on the scene, one thing’s for sure . . . . . it’s gonna be sick!
Rob Portman! OH! It’s on!”

We go to commercial. Billy Gibbons, Paul and the CBS Orchestra play ZZ Tops’ “Sharp Dressed Man.”

Dave mentions Alan’s siren sounds like a duck. Alan explains the best he could that it’s a Klaxon-10 World War I chemical warfare alarm. It was made in 1909. Dave questions its effectiveness. What does it do . . . alert ducks?

GREAT MOMENTS IN PRESIDENTIAL SPEECHES:
Truman: We see him accepting the surrender of the Japanese.
Eisenhower: a speech about the military industry
Bush: “I don’t want to go back to school.”

TOP TEN: Signs You’re Not Going To Win the Pulitzer Prize – The Washington Post won 4; The New York Times three.
#9. Only thing you wrote all year was a letter to CBS asking not to cancel “Yes, Dear.”
#8. Your scathing report on plagiarism was copied from someone else.
#4. You think fact-checking is for sissies.

JANE FONDA: her bestselling autobiography, “My Life So Far,” is now in paperback. Jane looks lovely, and she lets Dave know she is available. Dave sounds interested and replies, “I just have to do something with the family.” Dave tells Jane that “the guys must be after you all the time.” Jane is delighted with the compliment, then wonders, “Where are they?” During a book signing earlier in the day, she got a phone number from a good looking gentleman. Unfortunately, she lost it. She makes a plea that if he is watching tonight to please give her a call. I don’t know . . . does she really want to go out with a guy who watches our show?
Dave asks about her relationship and marriage to Ted Turner. Jane says she remains very good friends with Ted, calling him “my favorite ex-husband. She spent some time with him recently at his place. Is the spark still there? Jane says “it’s hard to get the sparks going at Camp Turner.” When with Ted, every second of the day is planned with an activity of some sort.
Jane says she spent last Christmas with her 2nd husband (Ted was her 3rd) and would have spent it with her first husband but he was dead. How did Ted and Jane meet? She says the day her divorce with Tom Hayden was finalized, she received a call from Ted Turner asking, “Is it true?” She told him it was true. He commiserated with her, telling her he knows how she feels since he just broke up with his mistress. Jane laughs now at his attempt to equate his breaking up with a mistress with her divorcing her husband of 20 years. Plus, he couldn’t see that she would relate to the woman in the breakup, not with Ted. She told him to call back in 6 months. 6 months later, he called. On their first date he tried to connect by saying, “You know, come of my best friends are Communist.”
On another date, he took her up in his plane. In flight, he asked, “Are you a member of the Mile High Club?” She needed an explanation. Ted told her about the Mile High Club. She says she wasn’t . . . . but soon was.

Gee whiz . . . . put enough money in a man’s pocket and whatever he says will sound charming.

Jane looks lovely as ever and she is proud to “own” her face. She explains that when she travels to other countries, the people “own who they are.” Their face is theirs. Their eyes are theirs. Their breasts are theirs. No surgery. No tucks. No implants. They own who they are. Does Dave own everything on him? Dave confesses he was thinking of going to Mexico for an ass job. Following the joke, Dave says that aging gives a lovely, graceful dignity to a person. Jane agrees and plans to give her face to aging.
What is Jane doing now? She’s learning theology and fly-fishing. What made her take up fly-fishing? She read the book, “Fly Fishing Through a Mid-Life Crisis.” In it, the book described how when you hook a fish with a fly, “it gives your arm an orgasm.”

Hmmm, I’ve had a stiff shoulder before . . . . . but that’s about as far as it went.

During the commercial break between Jane Fonda’s two segments, Billy Gibbons, Paul, and the CBS Orchestra performed ZZ Top’s “She’s Got Legs.” At the end of her second segment, they performed “Green Onions” by Booker T and the MGs.

ALAN KALTER’S PROM ADVICE: It’s prom time and our announcer would like to offer some advice to this year’s party goers.
Alan: “As much fun as a prom is, it can also be stressful. So don’t tell the kids:
‘If you can’t afford a limousine, it’s okay to take dad’s car.’
‘A fancy restaurant is great, but so is a moonlit picnic.’
And if you can’t get a date, don’t be afraid to go solo. It’s better than showing up with your mom --- her middle-aged body squeezed like a sausage into a sequined gown.”
(Alan begins to walk across the stage)
“Her makeup and perfume a cruel mockery of the womanhood your hormones crave. As you share an excruciating slow dance, she pretends not to hear the taunts of your so-called friends: ‘Way to go, Kalter. I hear she puts out!’ Guys, that’s my mom!
(Centerstage, slowly crumbles to the ground)
Oh, Mom, why wouldn’t you let me talk to girls my own age? Why did you make me try on all those dresses? I can never be the daughter you wanted! Why can’t you accept me for whom I am?”
(Cries in a heap; lifts himself up and runs out the guest entrance.)
Tony Mendez is now activating Alan’s chemical warfare siren. He goes on and on. Finally, Dave has to yell, “Alright! That’s enough!” Tony shrugs and walks away.
Dave sighs, “I have to start going to rehearsals.”

ACT 5: It’s music from Billy Gibbons

SHOOTER JENNINGS: From his CD, “Electric Rodeo,” Shooter Jennings performed “Gone to Carolina.” “Electric Rodeo” is also in vinyl, aka an album. Says Dave while holding up the album, “Go to any yard sale and buy yourself a turntable.”

To close the show, Dave says if he “had a name like ‘Shooter,’ everybody could just kiss my ass.”
Paul laughs, and then adds a bit of info about the origin of “Shooter” Jennings nickname:
He got it when he was born and he “peed on a nurse.”
True story? Yes it is. I gave Paul a blue card before the show just in case the topic came up.

From the internet thing, Wikipedia:
“Waylon Albright ‘Shooter’ Jennings was born in 1979 to country-western singers Waylon Jennings and Jessi Colter. He was given his middle name after his father's drummer, Richie Albright. He got his nickname after urinating on a nurse shortly after birth (as the elder Jennings wrote in his 1996 autobiography).”

And that was our show for Tuesday April 18, 2006. Wahoo EXTRA!

It’s not an official yard sale unless there’s an exercise bike in the driveway.

I was in a K-Mart the other day and while waiting on line, I noticed a “special” pack of ten glossy Topps baseball cards for $1.99. I wasn’t interested in that pack but it perked my desire for a regular pack of Topps baseball cards, the kind I used to buy as a kid. I wanted to recapture that moment of opening a pack and finding a Yankee. I looked around and couldn’t find one of those simple “5 cards and a stick of gum for a nickel” packs. I know it’s no longer a nickel and I think it doesn’t come with gum anymore but that didn’t matter. I wanted a pack of baseball cards and I don’t want to be ripped off. Simple. Unfortunately, K-Mart did not have one of those simple packs. Every pack of baseball cards had a fancy shine to it. I didn’t want that. I wanted simple. K-Mart did not have it. Since then I’ve been looking for baseball cards. What’s happened to them? They’re not around like they once were. It used to be right there with the gum at checkout. Gone. Everything is now a fancy collector’s item. Uh oh. Did my generation screw something up again? Have my people gone “baseball card crazy” and made collecting an expensive investment rather than a summer pastime? Oy. Can’t we leave anything alone? Does everything have to be made “better” for us old baby boomers who don’t want to grow up? That’s right, we’ve priced kids out of the joy of collecting baseball cards.

How about this . . . . major league baseball should get into the business of baseball cards; take it away from Topps and all those other card manufacturers and keep it simple for the kids to enjoy. Make them cheap, sell 10 cards for 50 cents, and forget about making a huge profit. It’s a form of advertising for their baseball business. Would Major League Baseball do this? No. It’s that line of “forget about making a huge profit” that’s the stickler. Baseball doesn’t understand that part.

Do kids collect baseball cards anymore . . . I mean, just for fun? Or do they collect as an investment? And, heavens, do they flip? Do kids flip anymore? The cards don’t seem as “everyday” as they once did. I decided to check out what Topps is offering so I googled “baseball cards.” I found that a pack of 6 cards costs 99 cents. Too much cost and not enough benefit. There needs to be more of a chance of getting a Yankee card. 6 cards for a buck . . . nope . . . not enough “yippee” in that.

April 5th USA Today – an article entitled, “TV Goes To Blogs.” The 2nd paragraph reads, “Official websites for television programs long have offered episode information, cast biographies, and photo galleries, but the newest must-have accessory is a blog.”

Newest? NEWEST? For the record, the LATE SHOW’s Wahoo Gazette has been putting out a blog since November 1996. Back then it was twice a week. And it has been an every day daily since June 5, 1998.
http://www.usatoday.com/life/television/news/2006-04-04-tv-show-blogs_x.htm

It’s about time the rest of television has finally caught up with the LATE SHOW and The Wahoo Gazette.

Lots of responses to my prom picture from Monday’s show. If you missed it, here it is:
http://community-2.webtv.net/bostonbill41/MondayStillShots417/

From Don Smith in Kingston, Ontario

“Denise looks mighty scared in that photo, and she's not even looking at your hair.”