NEWSWEEK: "Newsweek" is still reeling from last week's retraction scandal. I think they're playing it a little too safe now. Have you seen this week's cover story? Dave holds up this week's Newsweek. The cover: "Pie: Still Delicious!"

AMISH WAL-MART: An Ohio Wal-Mart is trying to attract local Amish customers. (How about a helmet with butter churns hanging down) The Wal-Mart is running this promotional announcement.

"The Middlefield, Ohio Wal-Mart is pleased to introduce a series of new amenities for the Amish. We've expanded our parking lot to include hitching posts for horse-drawn carriages. We now carry fabrics for clothes to be made at home. And since the Amish don't have televisions . . . we blew a hundred grand on this commercial for nothing. Wal-Mart. Always low prices. Always."

"Recently released photos of Saddam Hussein in captivity are shocking and inappropriate. The Pentagon has launched a full investigation to determine who took these photos and what type of disciplinary action to take. In the mean time, so show how truly sorry we are, please accept this photo of Secretary of Transportation Norman Mineta in his underwear. (see photo of Mineta in his underwear) A Message from the Pentagon.

Hey, it's graduation time, and we got a list of jobs for graduates!
CBS: Network seeks lovable TV dad to anchor flagship sitcom. Should be funny, tall, Italian, and Ray Romano.

Also tonight, we are featuring recent graduates who finished nowhere near the top of their class. Our first graduate, with an announce from Alan.
Graduate enters from guest entrance.
Alan: "After failing out of two previous majors, Brendan Boland of Bellerose, Queens graduated SUNY Albany with a degree in Sociology with a 3.0 grade point average. Brendan spent most of his time playing a game called beer pong. He is currently working in construction while looking for employment in his field. Congratulations, Brendan."

A 3.0 GPA? Nothing wrong with that! A "B" is very commendable. I was hoping for grads with grades farther down the alphabet.

TACO BELL: Strategic task force members to think just past the edge of the bun.

THE NHL: Someone to drop by once a week to pick up mail and water the plants.

And now another graduate.
Graduate enters.
Alan: "Christian Sears, Washington, D.C., took four and a half years to earn a degree from the University of Maryland with a 2.25 GPA, studying Kinesiology. He skipped graduation to attend the Preakness Stakes. Christian is currently unemployed, but starts a summer job as a lifeguard on Memorial Day Weekend. Nice work, Christian."

KANSAS CITY ROYALS: First baseman, 2nd baseman, 3rd baseman, catcher, 3 outfielders, DH, and any pitchers.

60 MINUTES: On-air correspondent. Must have at least 85 years of experience.

BEN & JERRY'S: Lookalike to secretly replace Jerry who fell into a mixing vat last month

AAMCO: Receptionist. Candidate must be pleasant, attentive, and willing to lie if Barbra Streisand calls while James Brolin's getting' freaky with his secretary.

HANES: New underwear model to replace this guy (photo of Saddam in his underwear)

Back from commercial, we learn that Paul went to see the new Star Wars film this weekend. Dave informs us that Darth Vader used to be a Jedi Knight, but then came down with bad skin. Now he never takes off his mask. (Though I've never seen a Star Wars movie, I'm starting to get the Star Wars jokes.

KELLY RIPA: She of course, from the "Regis! Live with Kelly" show . . . or is it "Live! With Regis and Kelly" show? She's also Faith or Hope on the ABC "Hope and Faith" show . . . or is it "Faith and Hope"? Dave heard that Kelly has been having problems with her neck. What's up with that? She says she hurt her neck on the "Hope and Faith" program about two years ago. Her chiropractor blames much of her pain on her defeatist posture. Why, of course! She says she works at a place where happiness is a sign of weakness. Here at the Late Show, happiness is a sign of Friday.
Dave has had neck problems ever since a 1984 auto accident. Neck problems rarely heal, he says. Everything in your body is connected to your brain and the only way to get to the brain is through the neck. When you have a bad neck, it screws up everything.

This talk reminds me of a joke my friend and I like to tell. I realize I told this same joke in the May 4th Wahoo Gazette. I wrote in the May 4th Wahoo:

"I have a friend who I see maybe 3 times a year. For the past 20 years whenever I see him I'll eventually ask, 'How's things?'
He'll say, 'Not so good. I have a weak back.'
I'll say, 'Really. When did you hurt it?'
And he'll reply, 'Oh, about a week back.'
Then we both laugh and laugh."

Regis and Kelly were nominated once again for a Daytime Emmy for Outstanding Show and also in the host category. And they lost again, this time to Ellen. Regis has won only once for Outstanding Host in his long daytime talk show career. And when was that? It was after Kathie Lee. And it was before Kelly. It was the time between the two. Hmmmm.
Kelly urges Dave to create a sister for Harry. "You have to give him a sister!" Dave says he may . . . in ten years. Kelly says it should be sooner, adding "Your parts are working!" Huh? She knows this by the gossip going around the talk show circuit. People talk. Once Harry has a sister, Dave will be able to see how much smarter girls are than boys. Kelly's 7-year-old son has trouble putting on his flip flops. Her 3-year-old daughter took the car keys, locked herself in the car, and started it up! Yeow!

We then see a clip of Kelly and Regis in a deep passionate kiss. What's up with that? On her "Hope and Faith" show she always ends up kissing somebody. It's her character. It was decided that maybe Kelly should kiss everyone on the "Live! With Regis and Kelly" show. Yikes. Let's now take a moment and picture Dave's reaction after reading a writer's pitch of his doing the same on the Late Show.

Not pretty.

ALEXIS BLEDEL: She's on the WB's "Gilmore Girls." I'm not sure which girl of Gilmore's she is. She also is in the new film, "The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants." She's just back from Tuscany where she spent several days with a chef taking cooking classes. Alexis admits not to being much of a cook, though she loves to do it. She loves having friends over for dinner, but it turns out to be "Good Friends, Bad Food." While in Tuscany, she learned how to make the Creme Brulee. She thought she would get to use a small torch to cook the top. But in this class, she was given a huge, industrial-size blowtorch. When she voiced her concern of using such a torch in her home, after witnessing her prowess in the kitchen, it was suggested she cook it outside.
"The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants" opens June 1st. It's about 4 girls who discover that this one pair of jeans fits each of them. Like magic! While the four go their separate ways one summer, they decide to mail the pants to each other. When I heard the title of this movie, I thought it was going to be a film version of the Late Show's Pants Across America from the fall of 1995.

ACT 5: It's time for a Late Show Summer Health Tip!
Be safe this summer during outdoor activities! Avoid dangerous dehydration while exercising by drinking at least eight ounces of ketchup per hour! Ketchup replaces the minerals and electrolytes your body loses in the heat! Plus, you can't beet ketchup for cool, delicious refreshment!
This has been a Late Show Summer Health Tip! Keep it real!

RYAN ADAMS AND THE CARDINALS: From their new CD, "Cold Roses," Ryan Adams and the Cardinals performed "Let It Ride."

And that was our show for Wednesday, May 25, 2005. Wahoo EXTRA!

PANTS ACROSS AMERICA;
October 30, 1995 - we get a pair of pants and place them in a clear, windowed exhibit on the back of a truck. Casey Kasem is on hand to start the trip with the pants. The pants will be traveling across the country for the next week. During the show, Carol Burnett donates the skirt she is wearing to go along for the ride.
October 31, 1995 - the pants and Casey Kasem in St. Louis, Missouri.
November 1, 1995 - the pants and Casey Kasem at Mt. Rushmore
November 2, 1995 - the pants and Casey Kasem at the Grand Canyon.
November 3, 1995 - the pants and Casey Kasem in Las Vegas.

So you watch "American Idol" for 12-13 weeks or whatever it is. You see the finalists slowly dwindle down to 5, 4, 3, than 2. The contestants have gone through so much, and you have been there with them every Tuesday night. And then, after months, the final episode is here. You wait through nearly 2 more hours of "Idol" junk before the winner is finally announced. You've been watching since, what, February? The time has come. Ryan Seacrest has the envelope. He opens the envelope. And he reads, "And the 2005 American Idol is . . . ." --- remember, you've been watching and waiting for weeks for this very moment ---- "and the 2005 American Idol is . . . . CARRIE UNDERWOOD." We see a close up of the jubilant winner . . . and then one second later, we get a shot of her family in the audience. WHY? WHY??? How many out there watching were screaming, "I want to see the family! Show us the family!"? No one! After 3 months of Carrie Underwood . . . . at that most elated moment, we cut away? WHY? Believe me, I'm no big fan of the "American Idol." I watch it because my girls watch it and it gives my something to argue about instead of bedtime and homework. But was it really necessary to cut away to the family 2 seconds after they announced the winner? It's the secondary story, the background story. The family is not the primary story!

Unfortunately, I'm alone on this. You won't read anyone else being frustrated like me. And I'm not even a fan of the show! I just want to see a good game.

A TV news tease I heard earlier today: local anchorman about today's weather - "It feels like October!"
Hmmm. So what the news guy was saying was that the weather feels like a month after summer rather than a month before summer. Is that right?

Another news tease: "The Paris Hilton hamburger commercial --- is it too hot for TV? We're going to show you!"
Well, if there's a question, why show it?
Have you seen the Paris Hilton hamburger commercial? I think it should be on regular TV, just so parents become aware of what is on MTV.

Does MTV still show music videos? Remember when I used to ask that way back in the old Wahoos?
From the May 4, 1999 Wahoo Gazette:

"I was watching MTV Tuesday morning (By accident. It was on when I walked in the room. I swear.) Anyway, Robbie Williams was deemed BZ, Buzzworthy. There's something about Robbie I like though I'm not sure what it is yet. I was surprised to see that it was MTV on the TV since a music video was playing. A music video is usually the last thing you'll find on MTV."

The 89th Indianapolis 500 is Sunday. Good luck, Dave, and his drivers Danica Patrick, Vitor Meira, and Kenny Brack.

If it weren't for Derek Jeter, I probably wouldn't like baseball nearly as much as I still do.

"Empire Falls" got a 4-Star rating in today's Daily News. Part 1 - Saturday night at 9:00 on HBO.

PREVIOUSLY VIEWED PROGRAMS:
THURSDAY May 26: From April 11, Show #2346 - Robin Williams; Martha Wainwright; and those Crazy Crazy Tax Laws.
FRIDAY May 27: From April 5, Show #2344 - Drew Barrymore; and Charles Barkley; and Biff at Yankee Spring Training.
MONDAY May 30: From May 17, Show #2367 - Ben Stiller; and Shelly Fairchild
TUESDAY May 31: From April 6, Show #2345 - Jane Fonda; and Bloc Party
WEDNESDAY June 1: From April 28, Show 2354 - Paris Hilton; and Supernanny Jo Frost; and Audience Show and Tell
THURSDAY June 2: From May 18, Show #2368 - Chris Rock; and Nocollette Sheridan.
FRIDAY June 3: From May 4, Show #2358 - Orlando Bloom, and Jack Hanna.

Oh, and of course, when you go to sleep Memorial Day, you'll wake up on Labor Day. The summer goes that fast these days. Start making plans now for your Summer of 2005. What will you be doing to remember this summer?

THIS DATE IN NHL HOCKEY HISTORY
May 25, 1984: The Calgary Flames defeat the Montreal Canadians in 6 games to win the Stanley Cup.

From the website: www.usamemorialday.org
"Changing the date merely to create three-day weekends has undermined the very meaning of the day. No doubt, this has contributed greatly to the general public's nonchalant observance of Memorial Day" - VFW web site - Feb. 2002

Words to Taps
(Note: there are no "official" words to Taps below are the most popular.)

Day is done,
gone the sun,
From the hills,
from the lake,
From the skies.
All is well,
safely rest,
God is nigh.
Go to sleep,
peaceful sleep,
May the soldier
or sailor,
God keep.
On the land
or the deep,
Safe in sleep.
Love, good night,
Must thou go,
When the day,
And the night
Need thee so?
All is well.
Speedeth all
To their rest.
Fades the light;
And afar
Goeth day,
And the stars
Shineth bright,
Fare thee well;
Day has gone,
Night is on.
Thanks and praise,
For our days,
'Neath the sun,
Neath the stars,
'Neath the sky,
As we go,
This we know,
God is nigh.

Memorial Day - it's not all about picnics and the beach.